When giving hurts.

The world seems dull. Hope fades like a coloured clothing scrubbed too often. The walls of the Earth seem to close in. Suffocation follows. You tear. You gasp. Your mouth releases a scream from the deepest hell. But it will not change your crushing fate. It was decided long ago.


You were meant to journey through life alone. Who would, in their right mind, want a burden with them on their journey?


Regardless, this should not extinguish the fire of your ambition. Stoke it with desire. Fuel it with logs of failures past and dried. You will succeed. You must.

The murky banks of my recollections.

When words speak too much for themselves,
when feelings gain too firm a grip on the mind,
when mood is allowed too much sway over reality,
the eyes may deceive, but the devious heart deludes.

One day I'll fly away too.

And leave all this to yesterday. The decay that eats into my very being, that hides my soul from what is right, and what is not. The shattering storm that torments my fragile heart. The clown's mask I don to hide the fear and unhappiness that wells in me.


I'll fly away. One day.

bad days.. sad days..

some days you hear about the sad things that happen to the people around you and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.. or maybe the things they went through made them good people in the first place, while those who had all the good stuff got spoilt rotten..

thought out loud and said "life's so unfair." and my sis replied with the predictable line... "who ever said it was."

i wish i didnt hafta see people around me in despair.. but i do and it sucks that i can't do much about it..

a wise old man once said "we can't help what others want to do with their lives, but we can do what we want with ours."

if only i had the courage to do what i want with mine..

I'm assertive...

Here's a lil' sum'in to lighten up the mood on good ol' gramps' blog.. :)

Read my friends' blogs and saw this quiz they took. In line with the theme "finding my shangri-la" (and also since i was bored), figured i could do it too.. 'cos as we all know, these tests supposedly reveal our characters and all, so thought i'd find out more about myself.. hehe.. although i suppose i know myself best, so there's really no need to have someone "reveal" my character to me.. but i digress.. here's what the results say..

the Asserter Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT. "I must be strong" Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. How to Get Along with Me Stand up for yourself... and me. Be confident, strong, and direct. Don't gossip about me or betray my trust. Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side. Give me space to be alone. Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me. I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack. When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. What I Like About Being a Eight being independent and self-reliant being able to take charge and meet challenges head on being courageous, straightforward, and honest getting all the enjoyment I can out of life supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me upholding just causes What's Hard About Being a Eight overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to being restless and impatient with others' incompetence sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it never forgetting injuries or injustices putting too much pressure on myself getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right Eights as Children Often are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit are sometimes loners seize control so they won't be controlled fugure out others' weaknesses attack verbally or physically when provoked take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings Eights as Parents are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted are sometimes overprotective can be demanding, controlling, and rigid Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You liked the test? so please RATE it... but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-) You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose AY Would you rather have chosen: BY (FOUR) CY (SIX) AX (SEVEN) AZ (THREE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: http://is2.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src=" You scored higher than 65% on ABC http://is2.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src=" You scored higher than 47% on XYZ

Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Think most of my friends are 'the romantic'-s.. assertive!!!! cool... but of cos, i already knew that.. hehe..

Wednesday

Aching arms, bruised butt, sore shoulders. Why do I put myself through it? I do not need it. I guess it's just to prove myself wrong.


What does it feel like to be playing second fiddle? Some people enjoy it, relish it even. Others would be overflowing with jealousy. I guess I should be thankful just to even be in the band.

Expectations

Unwanted, unrequited love. Weighed down by the chains of my past, unable to lift my head to view the bleak future ahead. A daily battle, to force my expectations into the dirt, to put myself down, just so that I won't be disappointed with the outcome.

Hypocrisy

I told you I knew how our story ends. I said I would turn away. You had found your sunshine, and I was supposed to be happy for you. Happy you could bask in the warmth of your sunshine, while I remained in the bittering cold.


But I haven't. I couldn't. As much as my head tells me to walk away, every fibre in me simply refuses to.


Does that make me a hypocrite? Perhaps.

Goodbye..

I seldom saw you, maybe twice, or at best, three times a year. And even when I visited, it would be for a much shorter time than what I now feel would have been appropriate. I had known you for so long, but I knew so little of you.


Now I can't see you anymore. All I have are memories and photographs.
Goodbye dear uncle. I knew you so little, but I still love you a lot. I'll see you again someday.

finding my Shangri-la?

There i was, minding my own business when an old gramps asked me if i wanted to find my Shangri-la... haha.. and so here i am, leeching off his space..

ahh well.. this should be a interesting change.. cos i seriously doubt i'm half as literary as he is.. expect none of the exceedingly deep and poetic phrases found on his entries, cos i swear if i ever try i'll just end up sounding like a total idiot..

anyways, nut'in much to say today.. so there.. a new entry for u gramps.. *grin*

Someone is searching for her Shangri-la too..

A seemingly endless journey, a winding road the stretches beyond the horizon. At the end of this path lies our Shangri-la, in all its beauty, excitement and comfort. A journey most take alone. Solitude can be the best companion a soul can have. But at times, the silence can be deafening.


Along this path, it is with pure luck I meet another soul, in search of her destiny, carving out her Shangri-la. Weary and lost,tired but never to be broken, haggard but still her youthful eyes sparkle like amethyst in the rising sun. I look into her eyes, and I see myself.


Welcome to my journey, and I hope you will welcome me to yours.

Sorry

I know I've let you down time and time again. Through what I've done and what I failed to do, through words spoken and unspoken. Long sleepless nights, turned into tired days of worriment.


You had high hopes of me, but I have miserably failed to reached them. An outstanding career, spotless relationships, and a heart as golden as the setting sun. But I have tumbled into the pits of mediocrity, blackening my heart, and turning me sour to almost all the world.


"Don't worry. He will understand." That just tore me apart.


Forgive me.

Bad days.

The past few days have been a bitter blend of emotions. Not just emotions trickling in, but a hybrid mixture of laughter, tears, glee, excitement and sorrow, swarming into your head, infesting your mind, making you giddy with mingled feelings that emanate from this strange concoction.


A new future, a birthday, a job advancement, a course I've been longing for, and, death. I don't know what to feel.


I don't even know if I still can feel.